Stereofly Magazine

Music + Culture in the Southeast

  • photo by Saul Seibert

    They say the intensity of romance fades as you span time in a relationship. For some, Valentine’s Day is an annual ritual of trying to recapture that initial, crazy love. It can also be a very important opening to an intense new love affair. Shit, man, I already forgot what the fuck I was trying to tell you… Let me hit this real quick and maybe it’ll glue my thoughts back together.

    Oh yeah, as a seasoned connoisseur of rich-people-style dining and getting high on rich-people weed, I am here this Valentine’s season to detail to you a delectable manner in which to charm your special one this February 14th. I will guide you through a dream date that you can adopt as your own idea and I won’t rat you out.

    Some prefer the privacy and intimacy of a romantic dinner at home, others swear by reservations at a lavish restaurant. For the best of both worlds I have synthesized a perfect blend of both.

    GETTING READY

    Mood Track: Henry Mancini “Pink Panther Theme Song”

    Wear your best jeans and the cleaner shoes. I find a Space Coke T-shirt with the sleeves torn off really sets the mood. Your date will notice this shit.

    APPETIZERS

    Mood Tunes: Iggy Pop’s Lust For Life

    You never get a second chance for a first ingestion, therefore when picking up your date (or if you already live together, are waiting for them to get ready) come prepared with a snack that will help set the romantic mood. Nothing does that better than some wine and cheese. All that is required is some fancy crackers, a few slices of Havarti cheese and some cannabutter spread. For the wine start with a crisp Chardonnay. Since the date night is just beginning (and, if you’re reading advice from me, you are probably a lush) put a cap on you and your sweetheart’s alcohol intake by serving the appetizer with a pair of 187ml Sutter Home Chardonnay splits. Holmes, these are like $1.75 each so you can concentrate your budget on the weed for the crackers, that’ll make even the cheap shit taste good.

    DINNER

    Mood Tunes: Whatever the f#%k the restaurant is playing.

    Ok, man, now for the exciting foray into the wild. My next suggestion just cannot be faded. I mean is there any other choice but Ba’an Sawaan for a date? Just like the task of procuring those tiny wines I told ya about earlier, you gotta plan this out well in advance. Those reservations go quick! One of the best things about dining at the big BS (never thought about the initials before, not very romantic). For the main course I always go with the Pad Thai. This would go well with some Pakistani Kush. You and your date can take a quick trip to the car for a few tokes before the food comes. For your puffery I recommend a vape.

    NOTE: Ba’an Sawaan is closed on Valentine’s Day because it is a Sunday - so make plans for the Thursday, Friday or Saturday prior for maximum romancing.

    DESSERT

    Mood Tunes: Alice Coltrane and Pharoah Sanders’ Journey in Satchidananda

    For sweets it’s time to head back to your pad. (Or your date’s if it’s nicer, you forgot to clean or it’s just plain embarrassing there.) A good idea is to have a pre-chilled dessert, like a chocolate mousse. There are plenty of 24hr spots in case you forgot and have to “run to you car” real quick to get a pre-made mousse. For a drink try a dry red like Shiraz. One can procure a magnum of Yellow Tail for under 10 ducats and this insures that (unless you’re me) you won’t run out. Don’t forget the cheba cheba. For this course I am suggesting some Sexxpot (if you can get your hands on some) which should help end the night perfectly. At this point you’ll be naked in each others arms laughing till you cry about why a dessert is named after a moose.

    LOVEMAKING

    Mood Tunes: D’angelo’s Voodoo

    or any Motorhead album

    MORNING AFTER

    You will most assuredly be broke so make sure you have your Netflix account paid up. Enjoy!